Fobbing Nipples

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This post is an experiment. Might work, might not. Don't know. And this story is both a good one and a bad one to test on. Bad because it's kind of long. Good because its name is "Perky Erect Nipples."

I am not proud to have written a story called "Perky Erect Nipples." I'm still not quite sure how it happened. The title and first paragraph just came to me one morning and I thought they were funny so I wrote them down. I figured the story would max out at about 1000 words (maybe 4000) and would be a chuckly little thing to stick in the corner of some collection in about twenty years. But then it just kept growing and growing and growing and growing. Then I mentioned to Tolkers that I was working on it and he wanted to read it so I had to finish it and rewrite it so he could. Then he gave me good advice and so I've been rewriting and rewriting again and now I've spent uncountable hours on something I would not even have said aloud twelve years ago.

"Perky Erect Nipples," indeed!

Anyway, I wrote it and I would like feedback and that's where the experiment comes in. I'm going to link to a temporary copy of the .doc of "PENny" and any reader of the Foblog--Fob or not, Ottarian or not--may download it and then come here to the comments section (or email me using the email address listed on Thmusings) and give me the brutal truth.

(Example: "Writing a story with such a title is evil and I hate you!")

(The more brutal the more better.)

Before we go on, here's the first page, so you can decide whether you even dare take the first steps in participation:

I should clear up right from the get-go—so no one gets the wrong idea coming into this—that Perky Erect Nipples is the name of my cat. My brother was staying with me for a couple weeks when I bought myself a fluffy, gray kitten and he was the one who suggested the name (Penny) that I eventually went with. Then, when he was passing through town six months later, he told me that the Pen in Penny stood for Perky Erect Nipples. He laughed and laughed and laughed and I punched him in the mouth.

My brother and I have kind of an antagonistic relationship and I don’t know why. It didn’t start till we were both adults. In fact, in high school it was him—the younger Lynch—who was considered “the mature one.” But now he’s got this juvenile sense of humor and moves around the country staying with old friends and new girls and generally making a fool of himself. But he is my brother.

Sometimes I catch myself calling Penny Perky so I guess the meaning of the P-E-N has sunk in. It doesn’t matter so much here, in Indiana, but I could never have a cat named Perky or Penny back home in Oregon.

It’s coming up on my fifteenth high school reunion. I probably won’t go, even though I’d like to this time. Because if I did, I might meet this girl I once knew. Penny.

My brother didn’t know Penny, I don’t think, so I’m pretty sure he wasn’t thinking of her when he suggested the name—but I was definitely thinking of her when I punched him in the mouth.

Now. Before you start calling for the redemption of Theric, more disclosure:

Isaac is not being entirely correct in claiming that the title could only possibly refer to his cat.

He is, in fact, quite wrong.

So to further guide anyone considering the morality of helping Theric out, behold!

Theric's Concordance/Checksheet of Dirty Words
to Be Found in "Perky Erect Nipples"
for the Warning of Potential Readers
and the Attraction of Casual Googlers

01-----banana
02-----bathroom
05-----bed/bedroom
03-----beer
04-----behind
05-----biology
01-----bitch
04-----bleed/bleeding/blood
01-----boobs
02-----bouncing
01-----box
04-----bra
13-----breast/breasts
13-----butt/butterflies/butterfly/butterscotch/button/butts/unbuttoned
04-----cheap
05-----chest
01-----clumsy
02-----coed/coeds
05-----coffee
03-----crap/crappy
01-----crotch
05-----dammit/damn
03-----desperate
04-----dirt/dirty
17-----drink/drinker/drinking/drunk
06-----erect
01-----fake
01-----fantasies
01-----fetal
01-----fluffy
01-----fob
03-----grabbed
10-----hell/hellos
01-----hostess
07-----hotel/hotels/motel
05-----invitation/inviting/uninviting
05-----kiss/kisses/kissing
01-----latex
03-----lips
11-----long/longer
04-----luscious
12-----nipple/nipples
05-----pants
03-----pathetic
02-----peak
14-----perky
07-----pink
02-----roommate/roommates
04-----scream/screamed/screaming
04-----sex/sexy
15-----shirt/shirts/tshirt/undershirt
01-----shit
01-----sins
04-----skin
01-----slut
03-----soft/softly
01-----squid
02-----stains
01-----stalker
02-----suck/sucks
02-----sugar
01-----toilet
03-----tongue
10-----touch/touched/touching/untouchable/untouched
01-----toys
01-----transparent
01-----virgin
03-----wet
10-----wine/wino
06-----yes

Consider yourself warned.

Love,

Theric