Thursday, March 15, 2007

Fobbing Nipples

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This post is an experiment. Might work, might not. Don't know. And this story is both a good one and a bad one to test on. Bad because it's kind of long. Good because its name is "Perky Erect Nipples."

I am not proud to have written a story called "Perky Erect Nipples." I'm still not quite sure how it happened. The title and first paragraph just came to me one morning and I thought they were funny so I wrote them down. I figured the story would max out at about 1000 words (maybe 4000) and would be a chuckly little thing to stick in the corner of some collection in about twenty years. But then it just kept growing and growing and growing and growing. Then I mentioned to Tolkers that I was working on it and he wanted to read it so I had to finish it and rewrite it so he could. Then he gave me good advice and so I've been rewriting and rewriting again and now I've spent uncountable hours on something I would not even have said aloud twelve years ago.

"Perky Erect Nipples," indeed!

Anyway, I wrote it and I would like feedback and that's where the experiment comes in. I'm going to link to a temporary copy of the .doc of "PENny" and any reader of the Foblog--Fob or not, Ottarian or not--may download it and then come here to the comments section (or email me using the email address listed on Thmusings) and give me the brutal truth.

(Example: "Writing a story with such a title is evil and I hate you!")

(The more brutal the more better.)

Before we go on, here's the first page, so you can decide whether you even dare take the first steps in participation:
    I should clear up right from the get-go—so no one gets the wrong idea coming into this—that Perky Erect Nipples is the name of my cat. My brother was staying with me for a couple weeks when I bought myself a fluffy, gray kitten and he was the one who suggested the name (Penny) that I eventually went with. Then, when he was passing through town six months later, he told me that the Pen in Penny stood for Perky Erect Nipples. He laughed and laughed and laughed and I punched him in the mouth.

    My brother and I have kind of an antagonistic relationship and I don’t know why. It didn’t start till we were both adults. In fact, in high school it was him—the younger Lynch—who was considered “the mature one.” But now he’s got this juvenile sense of humor and moves around the country staying with old friends and new girls and generally making a fool of himself. But he is my brother.

    Sometimes I catch myself calling Penny Perky so I guess the meaning of the P-E-N has sunk in. It doesn’t matter so much here, in Indiana, but I could never have a cat named Perky or Penny back home in Oregon.

    It’s coming up on my fifteenth high school reunion. I probably won’t go, even though I’d like to this time. Because if I did, I might meet this girl I once knew. Penny.

    My brother didn’t know Penny, I don’t think, so I’m pretty sure he wasn’t thinking of her when he suggested the name—but I was definitely thinking of her when I punched him in the mouth.
Now. Before you start calling for the redemption of Theric, more disclosure:

Isaac is not being entirely correct in claiming that the title could only possibly refer to his cat.

He is, in fact, quite wrong.

So to further guide anyone considering the morality of helping Theric out, behold!


Theric's Concordance/Checksheet of Dirty Words
to Be Found in "Perky Erect Nipples"
for the Warning of Potential Readers
and the Attraction of Casual Googlers

    01-----banana
    02-----bathroom
    05-----bed/bedroom
    03-----beer
    04-----behind
    05-----biology
    01-----bitch
    04-----bleed/bleeding/blood
    01-----boobs
    02-----bouncing
    01-----box
    04-----bra
    13-----breast/breasts
    13-----butt/butterflies/butterfly/butterscotch/button/butts/unbuttoned
    04-----cheap
    05-----chest
    01-----clumsy
    02-----coed/coeds
    05-----coffee
    03-----crap/crappy
    01-----crotch
    05-----dammit/damn
    03-----desperate
    04-----dirt/dirty
    17-----drink/drinker/drinking/drunk
    06-----erect
    01-----fake
    01-----fantasies
    01-----fetal
    01-----fluffy
    01-----fob
    03-----grabbed
    10-----hell/hellos
    01-----hostess
    07-----hotel/hotels/motel
    05-----invitation/inviting/uninviting
    05-----kiss/kisses/kissing
    01-----latex
    03-----lips
    11-----long/longer
    04-----luscious
    12-----nipple/nipples
    05-----pants
    03-----pathetic
    02-----peak
    14-----perky
    07-----pink
    02-----roommate/roommates
    04-----scream/screamed/screaming
    04-----sex/sexy
    15-----shirt/shirts/tshirt/undershirt
    01-----shit
    01-----sins
    04-----skin
    01-----slut
    03-----soft/softly
    01-----squid
    02-----stains
    01-----stalker
    02-----suck/sucks
    02-----sugar
    01-----toilet
    03-----tongue
    10-----touch/touched/touching/untouchable/untouched
    01-----toys
    01-----transparent
    01-----virgin
    03-----wet
    10-----wine/wino
    06-----yes
Consider yourself warned.

Love,
    Theric

6 comments:

Th. said...

.


[[[PENny]]]

Master Fob said...

I can't believe you used the F word!







(Fob, that is.)

Sir Jupiter said...

Toilet Stalker Slut?

I just put random words together from the list.

Th. said...

.

Now that sounds like a fun game!

Tolkien Boy said...

Th. - Do you want me to read the revision? Or is it the original?

Th. said...

.

This is a revision. I took into account everything you said before and I (mostly) solved those problems.

Also, this is the one Mel helped me with re: the Bloomington clubbing scene.