Wednesday, February 28, 2007

→[use me]


I just found a cool new useful thingamabobber a nd thought I would share. A long with it is a nother I found a while a go. (New rule: no word may start with A except A itself. Deal with it.)

1. Duotrope's Digest
    This is pretty much the coolest thing ever. Say you have a story a bout, I don't know, a gay couple a bout to a dopt a baby that a ppeared on their doorstep--I'm just making this up--well, you could tell Duotrope that you've got a tale a bout 3,000 words long, it's a ll kinds of erotic and that you won't a ccept a nything less than $2,000 for it. Duotrope will immediately tell you that you a re out of your mind.

    A nd only a true friend would do that.
2. Tangent Online
    I love this thing. Unlike Duotrope, it only deals with fiction (sorry friend poets), but I love it a ll the same.

    Tangent reviews magazines of short fiction. How handy is that? Now you don't have to a ctually find a copy to determine whether or not your work will a ppeal to a certain rag's editorial staff. You just have to look it up on Tangent. A las that they haven't reviewed everyone!
Free Bonus!
→[use me]

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

In Praise of Sir Jupiter

Boys go to Sir Jupiter
To get more stupider
And all the girls too
Or so I've heard.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

In Praise of Thmighty Theric

Thmighty is Theric; yes, thmighty is he,
thever and thever we'll praise him, you see.
From thheadland to valley, from thmountain to sea,
thenuthiasts gather to sound this decree:
thmighty is Theric. Yes, thmighty is he.

Tharticles he writes have a passion and grace
and thintricate working, like letter-sprung lace.
Though thmisandrists may gather his works to efface,
not one spot of his works can they find to therase.
(And, on top of all this, he has a nice thface.)

The thtories he writes are both clever and pure,
the thort of good writing we know will endure.
His thtylings of thentences have their allure,
and thalso his diction! His thtalents can blur
the fine thline between genius and the thobscure.

So, hail thawesome Theric! His writing so crisp
on many a thubject, on sparities disp,
remind us there’s thnothing, not even a wisp,
in writing that isn’t improved with a thlisp.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Leave Them in Their Packaging!

Thanks to a recent FOB gathering in which I came across Master Fob's librarian action figure as well as recent episodes of hearkening back to adventures I had during my teenage years with my Mozart, Jesus Christ and Captain Picard action figures (Lord only knows how I turned out to be halfway functional)...I decided that one way I can contribute to the ongoing needs of FOB is to release action figures of its own key players.

Sadly, of course, is that while everyone else attends FOB for the express purpose of honing their written skills to gain prominence in the academic community, I am busy wondering how I can better my rudimentary writing skills AND exploit my current situation for money.

So here it is, a new line of action figures set to be released in spring 2007:

Introducing Master Fob! Watch as he transforms from a mild-mannered father and librarian by day to a superhero who "flashes and slashes" by night! Powers include confusing his opponent with innuendo or demoralizing him/her (but most likely a him, because… c’mon… fighting a chick?) with a barrage of “your mom” jokes. Accessories—including family figures like Foxxy J, S-Boogie and Little Dood as well as Master Fob's Justice Fobcave and Dream House playset—are all sold separately.

The Fobcave playset feels strangely empty without the presence of...Captain Weed! Fighting the forces of darkness regularly, he’s even brave enough to willingly enter a room of pubescent 8th graders on a daily basis! Captain Weed’s main power is dispensing homespun, folksy wisdom while demolishing any evildoer in his path! Each figure is quite limber and even possesses agile plastic fingers to do that weird fold/crease thing that will keep sheets of paper together! Accessories include the not-always-popular and seldom-seen Stapler ($250), sold separately.

Finally, we have Action Tolkien Boy! He comes dressed as Edward Devere, the 17th Earl of Oxford who was well placed in the court of Elizabeth and revered by the crown heads of Europe! Why, it's well-argued that Action Tolkien Boy was the real author of Shakespeare's plays and sonnets! He writes, and he's got a great fencing arm...oh, and he embodies that enigmatic sadness that was prevalent among late renaissance intellectuals and courtesans! He costs only $18 complete!

Order today!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

FOB February 15

Master Fob’s shortened story, a young man in a car,
who wondered if gayness his mission would mar.
Sir Jupiter told of creatures from not-distant star
discussing how humans make food beyond par.
Tolkien Boy wrote of men in a strange wedded bliss
who wondered if fatherhood compared to this.
While Weed, who worried he might be remiss
nevertheless had good cause FOB to miss.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Extremely Short Poems, in Which FOB Names Are Coupled With Rhyming Epithets, the Significance of Which Is Both Deep and Obscure

Master Fob:
a purple daub.

Thmazing Theric:
a pagan cleric.

a treble clef.

Tolkien Boy:
dark green bok choy.

Queen Zippergut:
a quonset hut.

The Marchioness:
Elizabethan dress.

a mustard seed.

a raven flock.

an ancient pearl.

Sir Jupiter:
a coat of fur.

Straight Happily Married Friend of Gay Boyfriend Chick:
an ice pick.

Edgy Killer Bunny:
a stack of money.

the Metra.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

FOB February 1

Today's FOB Post is brought to you by the letters E, N, P, and S, and by the letter 1.

EPISODE ONE: Weed Monster and the letter S.

Weed Monster: Hello, everyone! Today I'd like to introduce my good friend the letter S. (To offstage) C'mon out, don't be shy...(large letter S enters, hissing sibilantly) The letter S has helped me write a story--hey! Story starts with S! (The S bows, still hissing) Some other things that start with S--hey! Some and start also start with S! So does--wait, so does so! Whew! And here I thought it would be difficult to find something that started--hey, I did it again!


Weed Monster: So, as you can see--hee hee--S is a very important letter! Let's hear it for the scrumptious, sarcastic, amazing S!

(wild applause)

Weed Monster: (Noticing the S is still hissing) Hey, we're done here. You don't have to keep hissing.

S (over the hissing): Yes, I do--you knocked me off the bookcase and I'm leaking.

Weed Monster (rushing the S offstage): And that's the S! Thank you, thank you!

EPISODE TWO: Sir Jupiter Monster, Master Fob Monster, and the letter N. Master Fob and Sir Jupiter are sitting next to each other, comparing feet.

Master Fob Monster: I'm much bigger than you are.

Sir Jupiter Monster: Size doesn't matter.

Master Fob Monster: Your mom's size doesn't matter.

Sir Jupiter Monster: I sized your mom's matter.

Master Fob Monster: I matted your mom's size.

Sir Jupiter Monster: I seized your mom's mat.

Master Fob Monster: I made accurate measurements of your mother's subatomic constructive structure.

Sir Jupiter Monster: Oh, man--I got nothing. With a big fat capital N.

EPISODE THREE: Master Fob Monster, Weed Monster, and the letter E and the number 1. Master Fob Monster and Weed Monster are doodling on a large piece of butcher paper.

Master Fob Monster (making a scribbled approximation of a chubby forty-year-old man). Old men are sexy.

Weed Monster (drawing a 1): This is the letter 1. It's an important part of the chant, "We're #1!"

Master Fob Monster (drawing an E): I find gerontophilism Exciting.

Weed Monster: No one ever thinks, though, that you can't really say "We're #1" because only one person can be number one at a time.

Master Fob Monster: Also Excruciating.

Weed Monster: Perhaps people who think they're #1 will spend most of their time talking about themselves, you think?

Master Fob Monster: And Enlightening. But only when I think about it. Which I don't, honest.

Weed Monster: My #1 beats your E.

Master Fob Monster: My old man's stronger than your stupid #1.

Weed Monster: Your mom's stronger than my stupid--wait.

Master Fob Monster: Ha.

EPISODE FOUR: Tolkien Boy Monster and the letter P.

Tolkien Boy Monster: Hello, everybody! Today I'd like to tell you about one of my favorite letters, the letter P. The P really helps us out when we want to say the word plagiarism, which means "the unauthorized use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one's own original work." In other words, plagiarism is what happens when someone too stupid to come up with their own ideas steals someone else's, and no matter how brilliant it may have seemed to the author at the time, they're really just copying because they're stupid and can't tell a copyright from a copy machine, and if you know anyone who does it--even if they're a good friend--you should trot them out to be shot because heaven knows we don't need more derivative works squirming around in the world like so much maggots, and--


--I'm sorry, where was I? Oh, yes. The letter P. A wonderful letter, really. Trust me.