FOB February 1

Today's FOB Post is brought to you by the letters E, N, P, and S, and by the letter 1.

EPISODE ONE: Weed Monster and the letter S.

Weed Monster: Hello, everyone! Today I'd like to introduce my good friend the letter S. (To offstage) C'mon out, don't be shy...(large letter S enters, hissing sibilantly) The letter S has helped me write a story--hey! Story starts with S! (The S bows, still hissing) Some other things that start with S--hey! Some and start also start with S! So does--wait, so does so! Whew! And here I thought it would be difficult to find something that started--hey, I did it again!

(applause)

Weed Monster: So, as you can see--hee hee--S is a very important letter! Let's hear it for the scrumptious, sarcastic, amazing S!

(wild applause)

Weed Monster: (Noticing the S is still hissing) Hey, we're done here. You don't have to keep hissing.

S (over the hissing): Yes, I do--you knocked me off the bookcase and I'm leaking.

Weed Monster (rushing the S offstage): And that's the S! Thank you, thank you!

EPISODE TWO: Sir Jupiter Monster, Master Fob Monster, and the letter N. Master Fob and Sir Jupiter are sitting next to each other, comparing feet.

Master Fob Monster: I'm much bigger than you are.

Sir Jupiter Monster: Size doesn't matter.

Master Fob Monster: Your mom's size doesn't matter.

Sir Jupiter Monster: I sized your mom's matter.

Master Fob Monster: I matted your mom's size.

Sir Jupiter Monster: I seized your mom's mat.

Master Fob Monster: I made accurate measurements of your mother's subatomic constructive structure.

Sir Jupiter Monster: Oh, man--I got nothing. With a big fat capital N.
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EPISODE THREE: Master Fob Monster, Weed Monster, and the letter E and the number 1. Master Fob Monster and Weed Monster are doodling on a large piece of butcher paper.

Master Fob Monster (making a scribbled approximation of a chubby forty-year-old man). Old men are sexy.

Weed Monster (drawing a 1): This is the letter 1. It's an important part of the chant, "We're #1!"

Master Fob Monster (drawing an E): I find gerontophilism Exciting.

Weed Monster: No one ever thinks, though, that you can't really say "We're #1" because only one person can be number one at a time.

Master Fob Monster: Also Excruciating.

Weed Monster: Perhaps people who think they're #1 will spend most of their time talking about themselves, you think?

Master Fob Monster: And Enlightening. But only when I think about it. Which I don't, honest.

Weed Monster: My #1 beats your E.

Master Fob Monster: My old man's stronger than your stupid #1.

Weed Monster: Your mom's stronger than my stupid--wait.

Master Fob Monster: Ha.

EPISODE FOUR: Tolkien Boy Monster and the letter P.

Tolkien Boy Monster: Hello, everybody! Today I'd like to tell you about one of my favorite letters, the letter P. The P really helps us out when we want to say the word plagiarism, which means "the unauthorized use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one's own original work." In other words, plagiarism is what happens when someone too stupid to come up with their own ideas steals someone else's, and no matter how brilliant it may have seemed to the author at the time, they're really just copying because they're stupid and can't tell a copyright from a copy machine, and if you know anyone who does it--even if they're a good friend--you should trot them out to be shot because heaven knows we don't need more derivative works squirming around in the world like so much maggots, and--

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--I'm sorry, where was I? Oh, yes. The letter P. A wonderful letter, really. Trust me.