Leave Them in Their Packaging!

Thanks to a recent FOB gathering in which I came across Master Fob's librarian action figure as well as recent episodes of hearkening back to adventures I had during my teenage years with my Mozart, Jesus Christ and Captain Picard action figures (Lord only knows how I turned out to be halfway functional)...I decided that one way I can contribute to the ongoing needs of FOB is to release action figures of its own key players.

Sadly, of course, is that while everyone else attends FOB for the express purpose of honing their written skills to gain prominence in the academic community, I am busy wondering how I can better my rudimentary writing skills AND exploit my current situation for money.

So here it is, a new line of action figures set to be released in spring 2007:

Introducing Master Fob! Watch as he transforms from a mild-mannered father and librarian by day to a superhero who "flashes and slashes" by night! Powers include confusing his opponent with innuendo or demoralizing him/her (but most likely a him, because… c’mon… fighting a chick?) with a barrage of “your mom” jokes. Accessories—including family figures like Foxxy J, S-Boogie and Little Dood as well as Master Fob's Justice Fobcave and Dream House playset—are all sold separately.

The Fobcave playset feels strangely empty without the presence of...Captain Weed! Fighting the forces of darkness regularly, he’s even brave enough to willingly enter a room of pubescent 8th graders on a daily basis! Captain Weed’s main power is dispensing homespun, folksy wisdom while demolishing any evildoer in his path! Each figure is quite limber and even possesses agile plastic fingers to do that weird fold/crease thing that will keep sheets of paper together! Accessories include the not-always-popular and seldom-seen Stapler ($250), sold separately.

Finally, we have Action Tolkien Boy! He comes dressed as Edward Devere, the 17th Earl of Oxford who was well placed in the court of Elizabeth and revered by the crown heads of Europe! Why, it's well-argued that Action Tolkien Boy was the real author of Shakespeare's plays and sonnets! He writes, and he's got a great fencing arm...oh, and he embodies that enigmatic sadness that was prevalent among late renaissance intellectuals and courtesans! He costs only $18 complete!

Order today!